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Sex While Fat & Disabled blindbombshell:

I’m a fat, legally blind woman. I’m a fat, vision impaired woman who enjoys sex. I’m obese, blind, and have had ridiculously great sex almost exclusively with partners smaller than myself. Most people I know are not only uncomfortable with my disability, they’re also uncomfortable with my fatness. In fact, some of the more bold (after a few drinks) have asked, “So how does that all… work?” 
Short answer? Very well, thanks for asking.
The long answer? Well, that’s a little more involved.
You see, there is a public misconception (largely in the U.S. but it does appear to spread throughout other countries) that disabled people are inherently sexless. In fact, if asked, most people would say they see disabled people as “innocent” almost childlike. They assume that disabled people need someone to take care of them, and if so, they must be incompetent in one way or another, likely mentally, and having sex with someone who is mentally handicapped is an eww, gross knee-jerk reaction that we all need to find a way around. If some dude named “Chad” who can barely type above an 8th grade reading level can get laid without someone batting an eyelash, so should someone who is on the autism or bipolar spectrum. If an eighteen year old can consent to sex, whether or not they’re in a wheelchair should have no bearing on that.
Additionally, there are also, surprise, misconceptions about how fat people have sex - particularly when one partner is fat and the other one isn’t. After all, in the West we’re often told that being fat is basically the worst thing we could possibly be. People are more scared of being fat than of being dead and if you don’t think that’s fucked up, you really need to see a licensed therapist. 
What’s more, if you’re a vagina-bearer and you have sex with people who are smaller than you? That seems to break a whole host of social taboos, not least of which are skinnier people thinking you don’t deserve to be having the sex you’re participating in - either out of some sense of jealousy or misplaced body-image issues, I really can’t say, it all depends on the person.
I know many people, on both sides of the weight scale, who would love to have sex with people who are diametrically different to themselves but worry it wouldn’t work mechanically. As though two different bodies couldn’t come together in a pleasurable way, let alone one of which is disabled in one way or another or more. Additionally, I’ve had smaller partners tell me they don’t totally enjoy our sex because they feel inhibited, self-conscious, embarrassed - because they can’t “let go” during the act, and are only fully “themselves” when they are masturbating. Alone. One, in particular, had to have all the lights off so they couldn’t even see their own body, let alone mine.

So, let me help whoever I can with this simple sentence:

You need to let go of the idea that your partner doesn’t know what you look like.

Your partner knows you’re fat - they know you’re skinny - they know you’re small chested - they know you’re large chested - they know you’re soft in parts - they know you can’t bend like a yoga instructor, or maybe even like a fully able bodied person - they know you’re in a wheelchair - they know you’re blind - they know you have scars. 

And guess what, kid? They still want to have sex with you! They want to have ALL KINDS of sex with  you. They want most of whatever you’ve got to offer, depending on whatever kinds of kinks you may have been hiding, you sexy minx, you.

Listen, I’m not immune to this nonsense, ok? I remember vividly when I first started having sex how I would contort my body into “flattering” positions (thanks, Cosmo!) as if my partner wouldn’t notice. I’d arch my back continuously, drape parts of my body with a blanket, or simply roll onto my belly if I “felt fat”. I refused to do positions that would squish my neck into having double-chins, sometimes even refusing to take off my bra or other clothes so my partner wouldn’t see my chub or my breasts heading north to my face. 
Sometimes, these moves would make me feel more at ease but they mostly were just tedious, pains in the ass that detracted from both my and my partner’s pleasure. At some point, I would be so uncomfortable that I would fake an orgasm with kegel exercises just to move on to the cuddling!
 These were not healthy moves. And, I later found, annoyed my partner who just wanted to see their hot girlfriend naked!
Then, once I became much larger and lost my sight, I simply refused to have lights on during sex for the same reason! “They won’t know what I look like if the lights are off!” Guess what? They totally did. And guess what else? THEY STILL WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. They loved having sex with me, because they were having sex with their partner! A person they loved, whose company they enjoyed, and who they wanted to please, sexually.
It took a long time for me to realize that my partners were having sex with me partly because of how my body looks and not despite it.

Sure, when you parse it down, it sounds super simple and easy. But when you’ve spent your entire life being shown that disabled bodies are a certain way and fat bodies aren’t sexy, it takes a bit of time to realize that sexiness just isn’t that simple. This doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years. But the earlier you can adapt this way of thinking, the earlier you learn (yes, LEARN) to accept your body and feel sexy in the skin you’re in, the more time you’ll have to enjoy your sexuality, perhaps even to its fullest.
So you’re a little saggy, so your dick isn’t big, so your vaginal lips protrude a bit, so you have cellulite, so you have wrinkles, so you have stretch marks, so your leg muscles have atrophied, so you can’t make eye-contact, so your thighs jiggle, so you can’t be on top for longer than five minutes without getting winded - so, so, so –
You owe it to yourself (and your partner, but mostly you) to trust that you’re a desirable person, with desirable attributes, who can be, and IS, sexy.

Do the best you can to keep this in mind when you have a hard time letting go and being seen during sex. Sex can make us feel vulnerable, but it can also be empowering. It’s intimate, it’s chaotic, it’s funny, it’s awkward, and you deserve to feel as comfortable and as confident as a Chad when you participate in it.
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