Being Out and Having Crushes littlelesbianinthebigcity:
The place where I come from is a small town, to quote Peter Gabriel. Barely 10,000 people and mostly sort of that mix of rural and light industrial you get in the exurbs. Yes, Chicago an hour away, but if you didn’t have a car and had to rely on getting rides or taking Metra, it was too far to be convenient.So, since mom and dad are a little on the conservative side, I had to keep some of my interests quiet. I snuck around to play with the few women who knew what I liked, enjoying my time with them more than I ever did the few dates I went on with boys. I dated boys mostly to keep mom and dad happy, gave a few handjobs here and there because I needed to, let some boys feel me up and so on, but I only really enjoyed and got off on my quiet, furtive meetings with women.Honestly, I hated it.But now I’m in New York and like the Hamilton song says, in New York you can be a new man (or woman). No one here knows me from there; I’m not the quiet and shy closeted girl here. I’m going to the LGBT club, I’m introducing myself as a lesbian, I’m trying to be out and new.Sure, it’s not perfect, and I haven’t told everyone (like my roommate) that I’m into girls, but I’m trying.The flip side of this is that I feel like I’m having hundreds of crushes a day, finding myself staring at women and girls in my classes, on the street, on the subway. yearning, wondering what it would be like to kiss them, feel their bodies, taste them - and desperately wishing I was brave enough to tell them that, to say “hi, I think you’re incredibly sexy and would love to spend ‘some time’ with you.”Instead I’m playing online, looking at porn, thinking about the glimpses of my roommate’s body that I’ve seen while she showers, wondering if my composition class’s teacher’s breasts really are as gorgeous as I think they might be, imagining what that senior girl in the LGBT club might do to me if we were alone together… Just fantasizing about being able to be really open and say “I’m a lesbian and in lust with you and want to know if you want to fuck me and let me be your slut…”
I can completely relate to the second part of this post. Crushing on everyone. #relatable
The place where I come from is a small town, to quote Peter Gabriel. Barely 10,000 people and mostly sort of that mix of rural and light industrial you get in the exurbs. Yes, Chicago an hour away, but if you didn’t have a car and had to rely on getting rides or taking Metra, it was too far to be convenient.So, since mom and dad are a little on the conservative side, I had to keep some of my interests quiet. I snuck around to play with the few women who knew what I liked, enjoying my time with them more than I ever did the few dates I went on with boys. I dated boys mostly to keep mom and dad happy, gave a few handjobs here and there because I needed to, let some boys feel me up and so on, but I only really enjoyed and got off on my quiet, furtive meetings with women.Honestly, I hated it.But now I’m in New York and like the Hamilton song says, in New York you can be a new man (or woman). No one here knows me from there; I’m not the quiet and shy closeted girl here. I’m going to the LGBT club, I’m introducing myself as a lesbian, I’m trying to be out and new.Sure, it’s not perfect, and I haven’t told everyone (like my roommate) that I’m into girls, but I’m trying.The flip side of this is that I feel like I’m having hundreds of crushes a day, finding myself staring at women and girls in my classes, on the street, on the subway. yearning, wondering what it would be like to kiss them, feel their bodies, taste them - and desperately wishing I was brave enough to tell them that, to say “hi, I think you’re incredibly sexy and would love to spend ‘some time’ with you.”Instead I’m playing online, looking at porn, thinking about the glimpses of my roommate’s body that I’ve seen while she showers, wondering if my composition class’s teacher’s breasts really are as gorgeous as I think they might be, imagining what that senior girl in the LGBT club might do to me if we were alone together… Just fantasizing about being able to be really open and say “I’m a lesbian and in lust with you and want to know if you want to fuck me and let me be your slut…”
I can completely relate to the second part of this post. Crushing on everyone. #relatable
