Understanding Each Others’ Fetishes
For Doms and subs alike, when you are meeting a new partner it is important to understand that the same fetishes can mean vastly different things to different people. Whenever I meet a new sub, I always ensure to get two sets of examples:
Specific examples of what she has done in the past.
Specific examples of what she has fantasized about.
Whether you are a Dom or a sub, when you are negotiating a new relationship you should always ensure to both offer and request this information, making sure that you explain in as much detail as possible. I always try to ask:
What are you into?
Why does it turn you on?
What does it involve?
If the answer isn’t in several full sentences, it isn’t good enough, and I keep asking until I could confidently explain it back to them without feeling like I’m making things up.
In my example, I will show how I tease information on fetishes out of an imaginary “Gemma”.
Hi, Gemma, what are you into?
I like spanking.
(This is the response I most commonly receive. As you can tell, this gives me almost nothing.)
What sort of spanking?
I like it when my Dom spanks me.
(Once again, this is often the level of reply given.)
And what does he spank you with?
Um well I use a hairbrush.
(We how have some traction. I know that she commonly uses objects, but likely doesn’t own any actual toys, but this allows me to move on.)
Why do you like being spanked?
It turns me on.
(This doesn’t tell me enough, so I rephrase the question.)
Why does it turn you on?
Because it shows me who is in charge.
(I know know that part of the fetish for her is about not being in control - this may not be about pain for her.)
Why does it show you that?
Because he is punishing me for being bad and I have to take it.
(So we now have a better understanding of why Gemma enjoys being spanked. It’s about the loss of control, about her dominant acting from a position of authority. We can now move on to the next question type.)
What does it involve?
He puts me over his knees and spanks me.
(Once again, Gemma is not particularly helpful, so we ask more questions.)
What does he use?
Oh I used a hairbrush.
(So she doesn’t own any real toys, so any new toys should be tested briefly and left for another scene. Using a brand new toy for a full scene is irresponsible at best. We still need to know much more, however, so let’s keep asking ‘How’s)
How often do you get spanked?
Only sometimes.
(So she doesn’t have much experience, or perhaps this isn’t that big a fetish for her. A good follow up would be to ask why it was so rare.)
How much were you spanked?
Maybe 10 times.
(This gives me an idea of her limits. As I will be hitting her harder than she can hit herself, I should spank her only a few times, then check in and potentially continue it later.)
How did you feel at the end?
Kind of disappointed I really wanted to do it more.
(This gives you even more information on the context. I now feel much more prepared to play with Gemma. I know that she commonly uses objects, but likely doesn’t own any actual toys; she enjoys the loss of control and her dominant acting from a position of authority; and that she would likely enjoy it if I hit her more. In these situations I add about half each time. I would spank her 15 times, then ask if she wanted more.)
Yours, always;
TheQuietOne
For Doms and subs alike, when you are meeting a new partner it is important to understand that the same fetishes can mean vastly different things to different people. Whenever I meet a new sub, I always ensure to get two sets of examples:
Specific examples of what she has done in the past.
Specific examples of what she has fantasized about.
Whether you are a Dom or a sub, when you are negotiating a new relationship you should always ensure to both offer and request this information, making sure that you explain in as much detail as possible. I always try to ask:
What are you into?
Why does it turn you on?
What does it involve?
If the answer isn’t in several full sentences, it isn’t good enough, and I keep asking until I could confidently explain it back to them without feeling like I’m making things up.
In my example, I will show how I tease information on fetishes out of an imaginary “Gemma”.
Hi, Gemma, what are you into?
I like spanking.
(This is the response I most commonly receive. As you can tell, this gives me almost nothing.)
What sort of spanking?
I like it when my Dom spanks me.
(Once again, this is often the level of reply given.)
And what does he spank you with?
Um well I use a hairbrush.
(We how have some traction. I know that she commonly uses objects, but likely doesn’t own any actual toys, but this allows me to move on.)
Why do you like being spanked?
It turns me on.
(This doesn’t tell me enough, so I rephrase the question.)
Why does it turn you on?
Because it shows me who is in charge.
(I know know that part of the fetish for her is about not being in control - this may not be about pain for her.)
Why does it show you that?
Because he is punishing me for being bad and I have to take it.
(So we now have a better understanding of why Gemma enjoys being spanked. It’s about the loss of control, about her dominant acting from a position of authority. We can now move on to the next question type.)
What does it involve?
He puts me over his knees and spanks me.
(Once again, Gemma is not particularly helpful, so we ask more questions.)
What does he use?
Oh I used a hairbrush.
(So she doesn’t own any real toys, so any new toys should be tested briefly and left for another scene. Using a brand new toy for a full scene is irresponsible at best. We still need to know much more, however, so let’s keep asking ‘How’s)
How often do you get spanked?
Only sometimes.
(So she doesn’t have much experience, or perhaps this isn’t that big a fetish for her. A good follow up would be to ask why it was so rare.)
How much were you spanked?
Maybe 10 times.
(This gives me an idea of her limits. As I will be hitting her harder than she can hit herself, I should spank her only a few times, then check in and potentially continue it later.)
How did you feel at the end?
Kind of disappointed I really wanted to do it more.
(This gives you even more information on the context. I now feel much more prepared to play with Gemma. I know that she commonly uses objects, but likely doesn’t own any actual toys; she enjoys the loss of control and her dominant acting from a position of authority; and that she would likely enjoy it if I hit her more. In these situations I add about half each time. I would spank her 15 times, then ask if she wanted more.)
Yours, always;
TheQuietOne
