TheQuietOne in topic Slave
The Three Virtues - Honesty, Effort and Initiative
What do you look for in your subs?
What is it that a prospective Dom wants from you?
Is it perfectly matching fetishes? The fabled “no limits”? A girl who is extremely kinky, or not too weird? Is it a girl who is an inexperienced virgin, or who is broken?
Choosing relationships based off of these factors will not lead to a healthy relationship. For me, there are three main qualities which I look for in my submissive, and the rest will always take care of itself:
Honesty
Open and Honest Communication is the most important thing in BDSM. Your Dom should always understand exactly what you do want, and exactly what you don’t want. The better a Dom understands a sub, the better a Dom they can be, because they will understand the limits and boundaries of that sub’s likes and dislikes. Understand how to push them, and when to stop.
It is also important that the sub is honest and confident speaking out when they need to. Even if they have an untouchable understanding of their sub’s mindset, there are times when a Dom will push slightly too far, or when they go in a direction the sub does not feel prepared for today. In those situations it is key that the sub communicate this to their dom.
The more honest my sub is, the better an understanding I have of their kinks, fetishes and fantasies, and the more confident I can feel acting upon them - knowing that if I ever push too far my sub will be comfortable letting me know, so that I never unintentionally hurt her.
Effort
It took me a long time to realise that I was wrong to expect ‘obedience’ - not just because many subs are bratty, but because a BDSM relationship hinging upon how well someone submits is destined to collapse when the day comes when they cannot.
Instead I look for the effort a prospective sub is willing to put into the relationship, not just sexually, but in terms of engagement. I always want a chatty sub, someone who will challenge me, someone who I will enjoy spending time with.
There are a few things that I stress when I am discussing effort. The first is that I want your 100%. I don’t want you to judge yourself by someone else’s standards and give me their 100% - I’m not in a relationship with them. Neither do I want you to give me more than 100%. You should give me your best effort, but never to the detriment of yourself.
The other thing that I stress, however, is that I still expect 100%. While 100 is not 110, it is not 90, either. I expect you to prioritise the relationship as highly as is possible, not as highly as you feel like on that particular day, and I expect you to openly and honestly communicate what this is, and whether you are finding it simple or difficult.
Initiative
This is one of the less commonly asked for aspects of BDSM, and one which I feel is especially important for less experienced subs. I often come across the mistaken belief that subs should let their Doms do all of their thinking for them, and not act without permission.
For me, a sub who goes out of her way to please me is far more thrilling than a sub who does nothing until I ask for. Having my sub make the effort to dress up to please me, to independently explore her fetishes, or to create content for me without having to be ordered to is one of the things that makes me feel valued and wanted as a dom.
Submissives, how do you embody each of these aspects in your relationships? What is it that you look for in your Doms?
Dominants, do you have a different set of qualities that you look for? What is important to you?
If you enjoyed this post, please check out my page for more relationship guides and the occasional dirty fantasy.
Yours, always;
TheQuietOne
What do you look for in your subs?
What is it that a prospective Dom wants from you?
Is it perfectly matching fetishes? The fabled “no limits”? A girl who is extremely kinky, or not too weird? Is it a girl who is an inexperienced virgin, or who is broken?
Choosing relationships based off of these factors will not lead to a healthy relationship. For me, there are three main qualities which I look for in my submissive, and the rest will always take care of itself:
Honesty
Open and Honest Communication is the most important thing in BDSM. Your Dom should always understand exactly what you do want, and exactly what you don’t want. The better a Dom understands a sub, the better a Dom they can be, because they will understand the limits and boundaries of that sub’s likes and dislikes. Understand how to push them, and when to stop.
It is also important that the sub is honest and confident speaking out when they need to. Even if they have an untouchable understanding of their sub’s mindset, there are times when a Dom will push slightly too far, or when they go in a direction the sub does not feel prepared for today. In those situations it is key that the sub communicate this to their dom.
The more honest my sub is, the better an understanding I have of their kinks, fetishes and fantasies, and the more confident I can feel acting upon them - knowing that if I ever push too far my sub will be comfortable letting me know, so that I never unintentionally hurt her.
Effort
It took me a long time to realise that I was wrong to expect ‘obedience’ - not just because many subs are bratty, but because a BDSM relationship hinging upon how well someone submits is destined to collapse when the day comes when they cannot.
Instead I look for the effort a prospective sub is willing to put into the relationship, not just sexually, but in terms of engagement. I always want a chatty sub, someone who will challenge me, someone who I will enjoy spending time with.
There are a few things that I stress when I am discussing effort. The first is that I want your 100%. I don’t want you to judge yourself by someone else’s standards and give me their 100% - I’m not in a relationship with them. Neither do I want you to give me more than 100%. You should give me your best effort, but never to the detriment of yourself.
The other thing that I stress, however, is that I still expect 100%. While 100 is not 110, it is not 90, either. I expect you to prioritise the relationship as highly as is possible, not as highly as you feel like on that particular day, and I expect you to openly and honestly communicate what this is, and whether you are finding it simple or difficult.
Initiative
This is one of the less commonly asked for aspects of BDSM, and one which I feel is especially important for less experienced subs. I often come across the mistaken belief that subs should let their Doms do all of their thinking for them, and not act without permission.
For me, a sub who goes out of her way to please me is far more thrilling than a sub who does nothing until I ask for. Having my sub make the effort to dress up to please me, to independently explore her fetishes, or to create content for me without having to be ordered to is one of the things that makes me feel valued and wanted as a dom.
Submissives, how do you embody each of these aspects in your relationships? What is it that you look for in your Doms?
Dominants, do you have a different set of qualities that you look for? What is important to you?
If you enjoyed this post, please check out my page for more relationship guides and the occasional dirty fantasy.
Yours, always;
TheQuietOne
